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Dear Dr. Cherrye,
Recently, our family moved into a new neighborhood which means our daughter who is in seventh grade must attend a new school. In our present school district, children begin middle school in sixth grade. What this means for us is our daughter is an outcast. The seventh graders at her school have established friendships stemming from either elementary school, or sixth grade. Our daughter left her friends she met in sixth grade. I asked her how things were going, and her reply saddens me. She said, “The kids at this school already have their friends, so I’m not fitting in”. Dr. Cherrye sounds like there are lots of cliques formed. How can our daughter fit in?
~How can our daughter fit in? ~
Dear How can our daughter fit in,
Sounds like your daughter is experiencing groups of cliques within the school. and these scenarios are never fun for children, especially children moving to new school environments posed with the task of fitting in and obtaining new friendships. The days can be lonely and sometimes harsh, so we need to get busy with ideas to help her. Dr. Cherrye will address a couple of ideas.
SPEAK TO SCHOOL OFFICIALS/COUNSELOR
One way to help your daughter is to meet with school officials. Remember, they cannot notice everything, or every child on campus always, so you may want to chat and work closely with administration on how they might approach this situation. Do they have strategies or plans in place to address scenarios such as this?
What about the school counselor? How can the campus counselor encourage all children to reach out to newcomers? I am sure the counselor has encountered this type of situation before. Find out from the counselor what works and ask if he/she has noticed and/or intervened.
Talk to administrators about a ‘buddy bench’. These special benches can be purchased out of school budgets, or from the PTO, and installed around the school, or even the Commons area or cafeteria. Children who are lonely can go sit on them indicating they need a friendly face. School administrators can train and encourage children to greet and meet lonely peers asking them to join in their groups. This may take concerted efforts, but we must teach our children the skills we want them to possess. Learn more about how other schools use buddy benches to ward off loneliness in an article written by Amanda Kinseth (2019) titled, ‘Fighting loneliness with Buddy Benches on elementary school playgrounds.”
THINGS YOUR DAUGHTER CAN DO
-Show that she can be a good friend by her kind deeds
-Approach someone she feels has common goals/interests -Invite someone over to study
-Invite someone over to a party or get together
-Share study notes with a peer
-Pair up with a peer for tutorials –
“Take the plunge” go and sit by a peer at lunch
-Talk to peers during group work
-Seek out special interest clubs
Iron sharpens iron. The ideology here is that there are two pieces of iron. It is impossible for one iron to become sharper without the presence of the other iron. It takes two! If one iron is left alone, both blades would become dull and useless. Although fitting in is the goal, you will want your daughter to seek-out peers who have the same academic/behavioral goals that she has.
Hanging out with friends with like goals will ease tensions. Commonalities makes better friendships.
Form a club of like minds and goals. For example, start an “Iron Sharpens Iron” group, and then invite peers to take part in conquering (whatever the group decides). Purchase key chains and t-shirts to show their strength and power.
Too, Dr. Cherrye believes in affirmations. Although every child wants friends, it is important for our children to affirm their greatness. You want to make certain that your daughter first likes who she is before forming close friendships. Before we can like someone as our friend, we must like ourselves. I want to stress this just in case a friendship is torn apart. Then what? I do not want our children feeling down, depressed, or broken. Please look at various affirmation books, including one that I have written, “Affirmation Daybook Journal“
Instill in your children that yes, they are capable of anything. They must own it and feel so positively empowered that no one can take their zest away. Here is another favorite. Have your daughter use these affirmation tools finding ways to uplift her spirits daily. She will find friends and feel so good about herself that she will one day be a leader at her school.
OPEN FOR COMMENTS
I look forward to hearing your thoughts and opinions in the comment section below.
IMPORTANT I have made it my mission to assist parents and educators in resolving the bullying issues children suffer. Offering your feedback and suggestions in the comment section could facilitate meaningful dialogue on this critical issue among ourselves and I encourage this. I will respond to each comment in a timely way. Should you wish to speak privately with me, please email me at cherryeVasquez@gmail.com and I will reply promptly.
Please take advantage of my 3 Free resources by downloading them today. One of them includes my FREE Bullying Checklist. If you feel that your child has been bullied, please use the checklist to determine if your ‘gut feelings’ are accurate.
