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Dear Dr. Cherrye,
I feel as though we’re living in the wild, wild west. As I listen to the local news learning about gun violence on our streets and communities, it’s filled with heartbreaks and anguishes of various sorts. I hear stories of citizens being killed by way of gun fire, and even our police officers are targets. As I reflect on the many senseless shootings, including drive-by, I can’t help but feel we’re living out our final days on this earth. What’s going on, Dr. Cherrye?
~ What’s going on ~
Dear What’s going on,
Your words, “the wild, wild west” seems so appropriate for what we’re witnessing these days. As we ponder the WHY behind all these senseless shootings, I feel Dr. Cherrye must first address that there are differing variables and cause/effect actions that very well may be the precursors for all these calamities. We must begin our attempt of unraveling what triggers people to carry out such carnages taking the lives of innocent civilians, including our law enforcement who are charged with doing their jobs. After many of the brutal incidences, we get to know a bit more about the perpetrator’s stories via media outlets, and then countless interviews from eyewitnesses, peers, relatives, and even their closest contacts. It is then that we begin to gain a glimpse of just how complex their lives have been.
As an advocate against bullying, I’ve also thought about the many different irregular and fluctuating experiences that could prompt such violence in people’s lives. I realize, however, even the best of us may never have a final and/or certain answer. There may in fact be many layers of in-depth pain that causes these horrible actions. But it doesn’t prevent any of us from pausing and taking a deeper look.
Where do we begin?
While I refuse to make excuses for violent perpetrators, I want us to have effective discourse and dialogue about the possible antecedents leading to the violators painful actions determining if collectively we have done all that we could as citizens, neighbors, parents, medical professionals, and educators to redirect youngsters/teens/adolescents and men/women from feeling that the only way to carry out their pent-up feelings is through bloodshed. Take a look at this article, ‘The Power of Dialogue’ written by Scott London; scott.london (2022).
Home Life
Topics I’d like for us to consider are a person’s family background, early home life experiences and family interactions. We may never know how dysfunctional or unstable a person’s past has been, but isn’t it worth consideration? I must wonder about the early stages of a person’s life, in terms of bonding with their parents and the emotional stages we must all move through successfully to be called ‘normal’ or balanced. How was the perpetrator treated? Did he/she feel special? Was there respect in his/her home in terms of roles? Was there discipline (with love)? Did they observe parental or family chaos? Were they victimized by way of being born to parents using drugs or alcohol? Were they abandoned? Yes, what I’m getting at here is parental bonding.
I know that I’m ‘preaching to the choir’ here, but are there young parents or neighbors in your life who could use a ‘pat and a push’ on effective bonding with their youngsters? What about new parents or parents-to-be? Here’s a great article on the importance of parental/infant bonding written by Mary Beth Steinfeld (2022); ‘Bonding is essential for normal infant development’, in Checkup on Health UC Davis Health Medical Center.
When the parent/guardian consistently responds to an infant’s needs, it sets the stage for the growing child to enter healthy relationships with other people throughout life and to appropriately experience and express a full range of emotions. Be sure to just show up!
School Life
Another area of concern is whether the perpetrator had friends. I’m not talking about occasional interactions, but true friends or buddies. Did they feel connected, or were they alienated? Did they play a sport, or instrument giving them an outlet they could feel proud of? Did the teachers/administrators approach them utilizing Social Emotional Learning Skills/Techniques? Were the people they interacted with daily sympathetic to their expressive needs, and/or perhaps the loss of a parent? Did anyone reach out to the perpetrator? Was he/she bullied at school by their peers or teachers? So, if they appeared different, who reached out to them? Did anyone approach them with a smile, or lend a hand?
Okay, teachers – We need you! Our elementary school teachers can include Social Skills in their lessons plans. Spend about 20 minutes daily teaching kindness and how to get along with others. Make every child feel special and get intentional. Allow children to really get into the lessons as they experience what it could feel like being lonely or bullied. Here’s an idea – Add music to your curricula and have fun as you teach students how to care about their school friends treating them with kindness.
Okay, school counselors – We need you! Spend time daily interacting with students. Survey each campus teacher determining children who may need extra attention spending quality time with you. There may be times that you’ll have to spend individual time with students. Get those sessions going! Discover the strengths of students and start right there empowering them. Get to know each child on campus by name. Greet them in the hallways by name. Talk to the student’s parents and survey them as well. Find out the student’s hobbies and home life strengths. Help children rid themselves of ‘the bad guy’ image.
Bad Guy
We never want to highlight the perpetrators as victims. No-no! They clearly are the ‘bad guys/gals in terms of the deeds carried out, but I just want all of us to stop and ask ourselves how we could reach-out to these young souls. I believe in my heart-of-hearts that any one kid who we all know, love, and hold dear to our hearts is just as capable of carrying out such hideous crimes if they feel unwanted, unloved, not needed and/or isolated. We are all humans, and humans can sometimes be fragile. School life can be tough – What can we do to help children make changes in their world while taking the responsibility of creating and making friends? Children are capable of problem solving. Gift your child, or a child in your life with this workbook on how to build positive relationships.
Mental Illness Is it really fair to the many people suffering from mental illness to categorize them as possible ‘murderers?’ I mean, I suppose if we pick up a gun and shoot someone we have truly ‘lost it’ but think on this for a spell. We are quick to say ‘mental illness’ but to become mental in this way, is just a ‘snap’ away as we are all human and prone to destruction, acts of violence if we are in such a state, or dark and lowly place in our lives. I think it’s ‘high time’ for each and every one of us to remain connected to the children in our lives. We must consider their needs. We must STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN to their stories, concerns, and fears. We must become very observant, ask questions, and help as much as we can. Dig deeper in your questioning to children. Whenever you ask your children about their day, do not accept, “Good” or “I’m okay” and/or the like. Ask your children to expand. Ask them details, who they hung-out with, and what they’re up to.
Good Guy
If we expect to raise and dwell alongside wholesome well-behaved children, we must think on these important notes:
- The quality of a child’s attachment depends on the responses from those who rear the child (the adult)
- The bond of connection develops between the child and his/her caregiver (interactions should be positive)
- Once the child leaves our tutelage, the educator must grab the ‘torch’ and extend Social Emotional Learning – As parents we must expect it.
- We must make positive, meaningful connections with children
- Loneliness and separation anxieties are both variables, we as adults, must pay attention to
- We must foster empathy and sympathy within the souls of our children
- We must treat children with kindness and respect. We can still do this as we discipline with love
- We must expect our children to use great manners, but how can they if we fail to teach them?
- We must teach our children to share
- We must teach our children to volunteer their time and services to others
- We must refrain from spoiling our children and giving them everything they ask for. By doing so, this will avoid their sense of entitlement
- We must teach our children to say, ‘thank you’ and to be grateful and thankful, too.
Parents – Feel free to add to this list. Note: Please let me know what topics you’d love me to cover.
OPEN FOR COMMENTS I look forward to hearing your thoughts and opinions in the comment section below.
IMPORTANT I’ve made it my mission to assist parents and educators in resolving the bullying issues children suffer. Offering your feedback and suggestions in the comment section could facilitate meaningful dialog on this critical issue among ourselves and I encourage this. I will respond to each comment in a timely way. Should you wish to speak privately with me, please email me at cherryevasquez@gmail.com, and I will reply promptly.
Please take advantage of my 3 Free resources by downloading them today. One of them includes my FREE Bullying Checklist. If you feel that your child has been bullied, please use the checklist to determine if your ‘gut feelings’ are accurate.
