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Dear Dr. Cherrye,
My children are victims of bullying at school on a regular basis. They’ve told me that many times other students stand around as spectators when the offenses take place, and it is normal to see a few students videoing the bully infractions. Dr. Cherrye, why don’t the other children support my children, or just report what they see? I am not only scared, but I am frustrated, too.
~ I am Frustrated, too ~
Dear I am frustrated, too –
Dr. Cherrye understands exactly how you feel. Instead of student observers assisting, they become a part of the problem – bully bystanders. There needs to be Bully Upstanders on the campus where your children are enrolled. I’d like to recommend you becoming the parent who suggests an Upstander campus movement to your children’s administrators.
After I give you a few pointers, schedule a meeting to discuss options. Before I delve into this topic, Dr. Cherrye would like to define what a Bully Upstander is and what an Upstander does, so that everyone will understand.
Definition of Bully Upstander
A Bully Upstander is a person who acts against a bully. When an Upstander observes someone (their friend, acquaintance, fellow classmate, or anyone for that matter) who is being bullied, they do something about it. The Upstander’s actions helps stop the infraction from occurring, or they stand up for and support the student who is being bullied. It does not mean that the Upstander is not afraid of the Bully, but he/she is brave enough to intervene, thereby taking action that is just and right.
Don’t Worry
Do not fret. Dr. Cherrye isn’t going to leave you, or your child hanging. Within this post, I’ll give you pointers to discuss with administration so that you and your child will feel comfortable with the movement including my free parental book on how to approach school officials.
How to Become an Upstander
Students should not be afraid to lend a helping hand, but they’ll need to be taught how to reach out to those they observe being bullied or picked on. We want children to think about helping the victim being bullied just as they’d want the same assistance.
- Tell the bully to STOP
- Try to distract the bully by getting his/her attention away from the bully-ee (victim)
- Beckon for a teacher or staff member to aide you
- Don’t be afraid to encourage other students (peers) to join in as they become Upstanders, too
- Determine how the Upstander can help the bully-ee at that moment, or in the future
- Determine if the Upstander can be friends with the victim. If not, casual acquaintances may work just fine
How School Officials can Support Upstander Behavior
So go ahead and meet with school officials. Be sure to follow my advice on how to make your meeting a win-win for you, administration, and all staff, but especially the child victim. Never go into a meeting with a confrontational mindset. See my FREE e-book for assistance. If you have questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Bully Upstander Endorsement
School officials can help promote Upstander behavior by making it a school-wide endeavor. Implementing Upstander behaviors throughout the campus lessens the chances of incidents. There must to be policies, procedures and goals set in place. School officials will need to determine how to implement this project and make it successful. There must be meetings to discuss rules, regulations, processes, and practices.
All staff must be involved including cafeteria and custodial workers. You would be surprised at how much the latter notice incidents throughout the day and throughout the campus. Each staff member should realize the importance of their dutiful interactions and how to make this movement work for all children. School counselors can create thematic lessons centered on Upstander behaviors and share with classrooms teachers. Counselors could also create a pledge or oath that students can sign as they pledge their allegiance to standing up and intervening. Counselors should be a central part of the movement.
In addition I would like to encourage school officials to offer Bully Upstander as one of the school’s clubs There must be a President, Secretary, Parliamentarian, and other key club members. Members should sign a ‘Bully Upstander Pledge’ as they commit to good behaviors, and pledge to bring other students in.
Making Friends
Sometimes children need to be taught how to make friends and keep them. Below are a few more ideas:
- Teach children how to observe peers who are lonely in class, on the playground, or in the cafeteria
- If children observe peers or others who are visibly upset, teach them how to approach them tenderly offering support
- Encourage children how to entice troubled peers to a trusted adult
- Teach children to step away from their comfort zones (and friends) and approach others who may need a friend, or bring that lonely peer into their circle of friends
- Tell children to always consider how they might feel in similar situations, and that this is the right thing to do
As another resource and while working things out with school officials, you may want to look at this book, ‘Speak Up and Get Along‘. I’d like to encourage you and other readers to read this book to gain ideas of how to help your younger children make friends. Remember, bullying is gender neutral, so whatever resources you gain can be utilized with all children who need support. For the older children, here’s another book, ‘Being the New Girl at School’
Upstander Safety and Security
Trust me. Before most students become Upstanders, they will want to ensure they are safe.
Administrators – Upstanders need to know that they can count on you for back-up. They will want support from school officials, and they will need to feel assured that administrators ‘have their back’.
More Information
There isn’t a lot of information or resources on becoming an Upstander, but I felt this article, ‘Bullying Bystanders…Become Upstanders‘ written by Stomp Out Bullying (2005-2022) is worth your reading time.
Remember, Dr. Cherrye is here to help you and your children. Please contact me for more support, and if you have further questions, please send them my way.
OPEN FOR COMMENTS I look forward to hearing your thoughts and opinions in the comment section below.
IMPORTANT I’ve made it my mission to assist parents and educators in resolving the bullying issues children suffer. Offering your feedback and suggestions in the comment section could facilitate meaningful dialog on this critical issue among ourselves and I encourage this. I will respond to each comment in a timely way. Should you wish to speak privately with me, please email me at cherryevasquez@gmail.com, and I will reply promptly.
Please take advantage of my 3 Free resources by downloading them today. One of them includes my FREE Bullying Checklist. If you feel that your child has been bullied, please use the checklist to determine if your ‘gut feelings’ are accurate.
Dr. Cherrye – Life. in general, has become so tenuous for our children. Parents try so hard to teach their kids right from wrong and to stand up and be counted, all to build self esteem and courage to be the best they can be. It’s one thing for kids to know how to be good people but quite another to have the courage to be because of the anti-social behavior of kids who make it so difficult and challenging for them, seemingly, because they can. Meanness is at an all time high and it has become increasingly stressful for kids to carve out their rightful place in school society because of fear of these intimidators, generally known as bullies.
Your post is not only timely but should be intensely helpful because you have shown that there are solutions and that there are viable ways for kids to be as courageous as they need to be and do the right thing. A well organized Upstander program belongs in every school and it takes a strong guarantee of support from school administration to ensure that it works as intended. Peer support can be so reassuring to the child who feels alone when bullied and hopefully, when the bully sees that he/she is outnumbered. they will often back off. Nothing frightens an offender more than bumping into a solid wall that will fend off the threat, not with physical retaliation but with a support network that will actually try to win him/her over. Often the bully does not have the social skills and confidence to make friendships easily and believes that toughness will win advocates that often becomes a gang. A good and well intentioned Upstander program can actually teach the bully the social skills he/she lacks and nip the anti-social behavior in the bud..
I see the potential for a win-win-win with a well executed Upstander program.
1, Bully-ee wins support and resolution
2. Bully can learn to adapt and change behavior to fit in
3, Bystanders find their courage to step up and step in to do what they know is right
Indeed, YES! I hope that the three statements you have listed at the end of your message becomes a reality for children in our schools. I believe in my heart-of-hearts that all three things certainly can. With enthusiasm, school officials can implement ‘Bully Upstander’ programs that can and should make marked differences for children.
All children deserve to attend bully-free schools. They should feel safe, and they should be able to make friends. I want to encourage parents to act swiftly by intervening. We must Stop, Look and Listen to our children. They are counting on us all!
Thank you for your wonderful input. I truly appreciate you!
Dr. Cherrye
As a teacher and parent, it is necessary to teach children to be upstanders. When teaching children about the power of voice and action, identifying the importance of being an upstander is a part of the process. Bullying is an issue. The Center for Civic Education previously sponsored a School Violence Prevention Program. This focused on ways to stop bullying. Currently, Dr. Cherrye S. Vasquez provides support to the community on dealing with bullying. From A Bullying Blueprint: Solutions for Kids book to her blog, she amongst other like her offer solutions to the bullying problem. For learning to occur, children have to feel safe at school. Creating a school culture where being an upstander is the “norm” requires a mindset shift from being a bystander (not my problem) to upstander (it is everyone’s problem).
Dr. West,
I could not agree with you more. As parents and teachers, we must teach our children to speak up. Children as Upstanders in our schools should be a nation-wide initiative. We cannot expect children to initiate Upstander behavior, however, unless we are all on board. An Upstander movement is an approach that should be top down from the Superintendent all the way down to our classrooms.
Our children are the main stakeholders that we should protect and serve. Bullying is an ever-increasing issue, and I am afraid it has manifested itself from angry lonely children who are bullied in our schools turning into adults who come back vigorously with ill intentions (vengeance). I know that my last comment is not popular, but I strongly feel we must address this issue before casualties continue to not only plague us but grieve us.
Thank you for stopping by Dr. West. I appreciate your input.
Dr. Cherrye