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Dear Dr. Cherrye,

Skin tones are an issue in 21st Century America still today. Let me explain: I come from a bi-racial background with three siblings, each having different, but in my opinion, beautiful skin tones. I realize that genetics play a role, but I have been criticized by a certain so-called friend who accused my mother of having different fathers for each of her children. Nothing could be further from the truth, but it seems to me that this woman takes false pride in skin tones and values that over the human values of my sister and two brothers.

She is not only insensitive toward my mother and her children but ignorant of such matters and how skin tone differences occur naturally for many genetic reasons.

Dr. Cherrye, may I ask for your opinion on why my friend, who is also a person of color, can be so judgmental of anyone, but particularly, of her own race. I hope to preserve her friendship because she is, otherwise, such a good person but I hope you can shed some light on this problem and hopefully, throw a hint or two my way on how to deal with her in a positive way.

~ How to deal with her in a positive way ~

Dear how to deal with her in a positive way,

Although we have merged into an influx of interracial marriages, thus biracial and multiracial unions, I could not agree with you more. Yes, skin tones is still a topic some people struggle with.

 After 46 years, interracial marriages have flourished, but we still do not have a “good grip” on color and race matters in terms of the traditional African Americans on one side and Caucasians on the other side of issues, let alone color complex biases and prejudices within a single race, but there are landmark cases that can enlighten our thoughts.

A Historic Landmark Case

The 1967 landmark case Loving v. Virginia ruling should have given us the step needed to get past race issues. Many people may not know the story, but Mildred Loving, a black woman, and Richard Loving, a white man, were sentenced to a year in prison in Virginia for marrying each other. It was deemed that their marriage violated the state’s anti-miscegenation (sexual relations between people of different races, especially of different skin colors, leading to the birth of children) statute, the Racial Integrity Act of 1924, which barred marriage between people classified as “white” and people classified as “colored” (a term/classification for Black race used in those days).

The Supreme Court’s undisputed verdict seized this ban as unconstitutional. This victory also meant that Pace v. Alabama (1883) ruling was overturned, so there are no longer race-based lawful limitations on marriages in the United States.

Diversity in 21st Century America

Our 21^st century America is more diverse than ever before with the potential of becoming a true melting pot. So much so, I married my husband not based on his race, skin tone, or hue, but due to the content of his character. What was once known as exotic, strange and outlandish is now commonplace. With this in mind, we must make paradigm shifts needed for embracing people based on their talents and character and not skin tone.

Adding to my discussion on this topic, I have written a blog post titled, ‘Our Biracial Child’. This blog post will ‘shed lighter’ on my thoughts and feelings, but I want to pause a bit and answer your question.

Answer to Your Inquiry

To answer your specific question, however, I believe your friend should ‘catch up’ to 21st century America and accept that diversity, in terms of marital unions and the birth of multiracial children is present day and is likely to remain for centuries to come. I believe some people will always keep their way of thinking, however.

With this in mind, we also must conclude that background knowledge (or the lack of), family experiences, and the like, will always take root in the minds of some, and may never change their ideology especially where this topic is concerned. So that you can preserve friendship, you can always agree to disagree with your dear friend as the two of you share your viewpoints in effective communicative dialogue and discourse. I have a similar story, of sorts, I would love to share with you and the viewing audience.

MY STORY

Whenever I looked into the mirror, I never saw a reflection of her, so for years I often wondered why mom always told me, “You look just like me.”

It was not until around 2008 when Mom visited my office that I learned why. I introduced her to the custodian that day. The custodian replied, “Oh, she looks just like you.” Suddenly, my mom jerked around and answered, “You think so? You are one of the few people who have ever said that. She looks like her dad.”

I cannot tell you how shocked I was not only hearing those words, but visualizing Mom’s expression when she uttered them. Now, years later I had my answer, and it came directly from Mom’s mouth. It was at that exact moment I realized that Mom, just like a protective animal whose instincts automatically kicks in to protect their young, used her loving motherly tactics all these years to protect my emotional state, thus my mental complex. Mom used her motherly skills and “know how” to shape a healthy identity within me. Mom realized that the color dominance of a hegemonic-thinking world would negatively dampen my self-esteem.

Hidden Hegemony

You see, I have long known that even within the Black race there is a sense of bigotry and hidden hegemony where skin color is concerned. What would one term this sort of racism? Intraracism, interracism, inner racism? Who knows? What I have experienced is the lighter the skin tone, the more advances you would receive in life. I grew up hearing that lighter skin-toned girls fondly referred to as bright-skin, red, or yellow-bone were favored by most and were considered the prettiest girls in school. For me, something was wrong with that picture (ideology) because whenever I gazed into the mirror, I saw beauty existing in my dark skin.

From an incredibly early age, I remember countless incidences at Mom’s side whether it was a funeral, family reunion and/or the like. People remembered which child I was due to my dark skin tone. One of my mom’s friends said, “Oh, I know exactly which one you are. You are Cherrye, the dark one.” Although Mom tried to hide it, I could see how incensed she became. How dare anyone identify her baby by skin color! I heard messages such as this, and more, all my young life. The more I heard these words, the more Mom would say, “You look just like me.”  

I was confused by her conviction, but I never confessed. I never saw an image of my face within hers. I always felt that I did favor my dad and his skin tone because I am the darkest of my siblings. I have always had that “chocolate” hue and/or overtone, and my siblings are a golden brown, but I never shared my inner thoughts with Mom. As honored as I was to share in her beauty, somehow, she would be the one with hurt feelings.

Through my Lenses

In my eyes, I saw reflections of my younger brother and sister (each to the far left and right) of Mom, and as one can see, I am darker than the rest. What I noticed, however, was that my mom never used skin tone when referring to her children. Why would she? Along with our dad, Mom spent time rearing each of us having deep self-assurance and love for self. They bragged on our intelligences and performances whenever warranted.

As time moves on, I am reminded of profound divisions among races of people, especially when there are high profile cases in the media. We read and hear stark differences in opinions, but not based on right/wrong; just/unjust, and morals/values, but on the color of one’s skin tone.

Realizing this, however, jerks my heart strings because I know first-hand that skin tone is not just a Black and White issue, but an issue among ‘inter’ races of people. Where did this come from?

What does Racial Prejudice Mean?

Since most people realize what racial prejudice means (separation, hatred, division, segregation, intolerance) why or how could a race of people do this one to another? Is it due to political power, the sense of social economic advancement, prestige, money, or supremacy? Whatever the cause it is a devastating political color complex issue that we should readily want to liberate ourselves away from. Historically speaking, we know the stories of domination, cruelty and oppression based on skin tone, so why would people inflict the same pain on members of their race? Wasn’t this sort of bigotry hated by the oppressed?

Similarly, it is just as damaging for darker skinned people to embrace power movements while disallowing lighter skinned people to become a part of groups, forum discussions, and the like. The philosophy and belief system of a true melting pot nation should not convert into a one-sided message.

Can We Just Get Over It?

Regardless of your take on the matter, you would think race and color would not have stock in twenty-first century America, but there are still divisions today.

As years passed and fast forwarding as a parent and mother of a biracial child, I knew right away that I would empower my child just as my mom and Dad had done for me. There was not going to be an “Imitation of Life” episode in my mixed-raced family home.

Irrespective of one’s skin tone, children should feel empowered with a belief system of having skills and virtues in life worthy of sharing with others. Children should possess deep-seated affirmation of self-worth and a keen sense of being capable of making valued contributions in our society. We must shape and support the identity development of our children, whether they are monoracial, biracial or multiracial, and regardless of their skin tone and/or hue.

Finally, I applaud you for asking such a thought-provoking question, and I hope I have done justice in answering it. I hope that your dear friend will ‘come around’ to the realities of life and learn that color is just that – color, but love supersedes all else.

OPEN FOR COMMENTS

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and opinions in the comment section below.

IMPORTANT

I have made it my mission to assist parents and educators in resolving the bullying issues children suffer. Offering your feedback and suggestions in the comment section could facilitate meaningful dialogue on this critical issue among ourselves and I encourage this. I will respond to each comment in a timely way. Should you wish to speak privately with me, please email me at cherryeVasquez@gmail.com and I will reply promptly.

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