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Updated September 30, 2023
Dear Dr. Cherrye,
Most people realize that bullying is a pandemic in our nation’s schools. Realizing this, how can we help our children deal with the pressures that these annoying behaviors pose on their lives? We have a huge responsibility, but I want to ensure that my husband and I are doing all that we can to support our son. My husband and I are extremely nervous and concerned about him.
~ Concerned about him ~
Dear Concerned about him,
If your child is being bullied, here is what you can do, but firstly Dr. Cherrye will address your question using the text from my parent/educator guide on bullying titled, ‘A Bully Blueprint Solutions for kids‘. I will begin asking you the same questions I ask all parents.
Questions
As parents, are you and your husband aware of the anti-bullying laws and policies in place at your child’s school? If so, how are the laws being enforced? If not, have you voiced your concerns and/or asked to collaborate with school officials in hope to create anti-bullying procedures at your child’s school? Do you know if school officials at your son’s school have clarity of what constitutes bullying behaviors?
In some cases, there are concerns about what constitutes bullying behaviors verses normal play, or friendly horsing around. I know that you have these concerns too, so I will define what bullying is and what it looks like.
Bullying Defined
Bullying can be defined as a single or significant act, or a pattern of acts by one or more students directed at another student that exploits an imbalance of power.
Forms of Bullying
Verbal (name calling, teasing, insulting, or threatening)
Physical (hitting, kicking, scratching, pushing, stealing, hiding/destroying someone else’s property)
Social (refusing to talk to or play with someone, purposefully excluding someone)
Cyber (using electronics such as computer to write mean, demeaning messages about someone)
Religious (using religion as a weapon to gain power over other(s) while trying to recruit them to believe in their religious traditions/ways. Such individuals may also quote the bible, but most times do not follow its teachings but tease/taunt those who do believe)
There are signs of bullying that you can watch for
Poor eating habits or asking to eat as soon as he/she gets home – bully takes lunch or lunch money
Depression (talk to your child about positive mental health)
Torn clothes or mysterious bruises/scratches
Isolating self from others – appearing lonely
A change in grades – poor grades
A sudden dislike for school
Exhibiting unfounded anxiety
Low self-esteem
Complaint of sick feelings – stomach aches, headaches
Asking not to go to school
Signs of threats or suicide
If Your Child is being Bullied Here is What You Can Do
Stop, Look & Listen NOW!
To All Parents -Talk to your child. Ask him/her about their school day. Ask if there is anything that you should know. Whatever you are doing or plan to do, stop! Your child must trust that you will drop whatever you are doing to see him/her through their turmoil. Your child needs to know that you are listening to them; you hear their frustration and the pain that they are experiencing. You may want to repeat what you heard them say to you, thereby acknowledging that you are really listening. Let your child know that you will be there for them “at all costs.”
Documentation
Get the story as clearly as possible from your child and document everything from your child’s version of the bullying incidents to every conversation you have with school officials. Be sure to write things down as soon as an occurrence arises, or a conversation happens. This way, incidents are still fresh in your child’s mind. You may want to keep documentation separated by tabs in a tablet or a notebook to maintain a distinct record of each person’s story. It will be important to keep your child’s version separate from a school official’s so that messages do not end up overlapping, getting accidentally mixed-up or combined.
Have other students been affected by the bully or bullies who are attacking your child? If so, what are their names? Were there any witnesses to the incidents? If so, what are their names? Does your child remember which class the other students are enrolled in? Can your child point them out? Encourage school officials to interview other children who may have been bullied.
Use dates, times, and settings in your documentation. Did the incident happen in the cafeteria, classroom, or playground? Detailed documentation will not only help school officials target bullying incidents, but it will also give school officials an indication of how best to resolve issues as they examine antecedents (causes/variables that may have prompted the bully to react inappropriately), so that changes and individually tailored support plans can be implemented. You can also find a sample of my ‘collecting student data’ form in my book, ‘A Bully Blueprint Solutions for Kids’. Or just use your favorite lined, ruled writing notebook just long as your writing tool for documentation purposes is effective.
Approach school staff immediately
Bullying will not just stop on its own. Do not be afraid to approach school administrators.
You might find that some school officials and administrators may be territorial and believe that they are the educational experts, and you are “just a parent.” Since you are your child’s greatest advocate, here are a few ideas about how to approach the issue of your child being bullied while collaborating with school officials:
Do your research. You can assist school leaders with ideas of how to bully shield and bully proof the school that your child attends. With this in mind, and as you read further, take a look at my parent tips guide, ‘The Bully Band Parents in Rhythm.’
Approach the school leaders as if you are on their side because you are! Do what you can to avoid creating an adversarial relationship between you and the people who have the power to help stop what is happening.
Let the school leaders know that you are not only concerned about your child, but all children enrolled at the school. This will soften your approach thereby giving you greater lead-in for support and next steps.
Begin speaking to the school counselor before working your way up the organizational chart – Test the water, first.
When my own child was bullied at school, I spoke to the school principal directly. Due to budget cuts, this school had no assigned counselor. I approached the situation as a concern for the other child as well as my very own child. I said, “Perhaps this young girl is having personal problems in her home- life that’s making her feel angry.” Other times I would say, “Sounds like this child wants to take charge and is a bit bossy. She can be shown how to use her leadership skills in a more positive and productive manner.” By using this approach with the school principal, I softened the conversation, thereby gaining the principal’s attention. She was more willing to hear me.
But there are times when the school will not help, so now what can you do?
Before I address this problem, I would love to encourage you to read one of my blogs on how to teach your son on becoming a Bully Upstander. I want children to know that they have the right to speak up for themselves, and others. Now, as you begin to work through this issue, always gather as much information about your school the first week or two of the new school year. This is the time when the climate is still warm and friendly, and stress levels are not heightened due to the pressures of trying to keep up with everyday school life. Know the district level office organizational chart and levels of administration assigned to your child’s campus. Attempt to retrieve their contact information such as names, email addresses, voice mail, and telephone numbers, and location of their office – this is last resort and never show-up without an appointment. Take advantage of this ‘honeymoon period’.
When your child’s school will not listen to you or help you through a bullying crisis, and you know that you have done your part, you have spoken to the classroom teacher, school counselor, assistant principal, and principal if circumstances have taken you this far, you should contact central office staff and speak to your child’s school assigned area superintendent.
Share your concerns and let this individual know that you have tried to collaborate with school officials at the campus level of your child’s school. Trust me – Now that bullying has gained national attention, there is no doubt that this person will be listening carefully.
You should know too that most states have laws mandating anti-bullying programs and services in schools, but some schools have been slow in implementing the programs. Be sure that you know the laws for bullying and your child’s rights in schools.
Be sure that you know the anti-bullying laws of your state (Bully Police, USA has a state-by-state listing of anti-bullying legislation). Be ready and able to recite the Senate Bill and House Bill laws associated with the bully’s offense. For example, if you live in Texas and your child is experiencing sexual harassment issues at school, and no one will address the issue, share your knowledge of Educ. Code Section 51.282. If you do this, everyone will know that you are serious!
When to call a lawyer
If you have gone through all the recommended steps above, more than likely you will not have to call a lawyer; however, there may be times when your story will land on “deaf ears.” If no one will listen to you, or if everyone has listened to you and they have chosen not to intervene, there is no more time to waste. You will want to get legal advice immediately. Time is of the essence and the safety of your child is paramount!
Focus on your child
Remember, there are effective steps that you can take as your child’s anti-bullying advocate. Consider the fact that bullying related suicides are real. And know that is perfectly okay to speak directly to your child about suicide. Refer to this article written by the Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide (SPTS); ‘Talking to Your Kids About Suicide’ 2023; 110 West Main Street; Freehold, NJ 07728.
STOP whatever you are doing and act quickly on your child’s behalf. Our children count on us to help them during crisis. This is not the time to put ANYTHING else before your child. Show your child that they can trust and count on you.
OPEN FOR COMMENTS
I look forward to hearing your thoughts and opinions in the comment section below.
IMPORTANT
I have made it my mission to assist parents and educators in resolving the bullying issues children suffer. Offering your feedback and suggestions in the comment section could facilitate meaningful dialogue on this critical issue among ourselves and I encourage this. I will respond to each comment in a timely way. Should you wish to speak privately with me, please email me at cherryeVasquez@gmail.com and I will reply promptly.
Please take advantage of my 3 Free resources by downloading them today. One of them includes my FREE Bullying Checklist. If you feel that your child has been bullied, please use the checklist to determine if your ‘gut feelings’ are accurate.
