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Dear Dr. Cherrye,
You have focused much on bullying here lately pouring lots of attention on the child who has been bullied, but how can we as educators help spend time attending to the child who does the bullying? How can we help the child bully? The bully is a child who is hurting and is deserving of our attention. The bully-child has needs as well.
~ The bully-child has needs as well ~
Dear The bully-child has needs as well,
I am so happy to receive your question because so many times I receive notices of angry parents and educators who are ready to execute the child-bully. And yes, while all parents and educator alike should be upset if their child has been bullied, we must address the child-bully determining how to help, thus end the battle that lies within. We must remember that the child-bully is still a child. So, in my response to you, let us spend time attending to the child who does the bullying.
I realize no one enjoys dealing with the child-bully, and it is not easy caring for such an unlikable person who exhibits negative, annoying behaviors towards others. Most children attempt to avoid this child, and if we are honest, teachers/administrators are not so pleasant toward him/her either, but I feel we must have compassion for this child, and for good reason.
Unbelievably sad, children do not come into this world as bullies. Some children have learned their behaviors. Have you ever stopped for just a moment to think about this? Much of what these children have become or evolved into has been derived from their environmental experiences and shaped from home-life and/or other unfortunate variables they have seen, heard, been exposed to, and had to deal with. Take a look at this article written by James Lehman (2022); Empowering Parents. It’s titled, ‘The Bullying Parent – Aggressive Parenting Doesn’t Work‘. After reading this article, please reflect a minute. How can a child compete with these learned behaviors?
Many times, the bully is sad and wants to change. The bully does not like him/herself and wants out of this image, but they continue in their madness. You have heard the saying, ‘misery loves company.’
Realizing this may be true for some, not all, why not take a closer look at this child? Can we use the ‘5 W’s and H’ strategy with an attempt to dissect, study and learn about the principal child? Let us try it! If so, we can intervene and redirect the child-bully into a happy, more gentle being.
Who
Who is the child? Do you know anything about this child? Take time and really get to know him/her. Establish rapport with the child. Underneath all that pain may be a sweet little person.
What
What behaviors has this child displayed in the past? What behaviors do you see now? What can you do to redirect his/her negative behaviors?
Where
Where do you think the root of the problem stems? Have your determined the antecedents? If not, I want to invite you to use an observation chart. See the example in my book, ‘A Bully Blueprint Solutions for Kids‘. In addition, once you have met the parents and looked at the student’s past school records, this will not be hard to determine. Could there be variables, or barriers that are perplexed and/or have gotten in the way?
Why
Why does the child feel this way? Have the child express his/her feelings. Have him/her talk it out. Just remember, this child must trust you, so spend time establishing rapport first, okay?
How
How can you help this child? How can you intervene and redirect? How much time will you put into establishing a camaraderie with this child so that you can create best practices and/or a behavior plan moving this child forward?
As adults, we can help instill feelings of remorse, care, and concern for others into the heart and mind of the child bully, so I want to share tips with you.
How to help the child bully
- Encourage the child to write his/her thoughts in a journal
- Encourage counseling sessions allowing the child to talk through adverse family life issues/struggles
- Assist child with role playing with the counselor learning how to make friends and say positive things to peers
- Encourage child to talk to a trusted adult about his/her anger problems
- Show the child how to use relaxation techniques and exercises when feeling angry about life’s issues
- Encourage the child to ask for help when he/she feels angry
- Encourage the child to ask the teacher for time-out whenever he/she needs to sit and think about his/her actions
- Ask the child to put him/herself in the other child’s shoes. Ask the bully to think about how he/she would feel if someone was bullying him or her, or someone he or she loves
- Encourage affirmations. Role play affirmations. For example, “I am a great person”.
- Encourage the bully to say something good about someone each day
- Ask the child’s parents to attend PTO and Open House with their child
Now you know how to help the child bully. Let’s get going !
OPEN FOR COMMENTS
I look forward to hearing your thoughts and opinions in the comment section below.
IMPORTANT
I have made it my mission to assist parents and educators in resolving the bullying issues children suffer. Offering your feedback and suggestions in the comment section could facilitate meaningful dialogue on this critical issue among ourselves and I encourage this. I will respond to each comment in a timely way. Should you wish to speak privately with me, please email me at cherryeVasquez@gmail.com and I will reply promptly.
Please take advantage of my 3 Free resources by downloading them today. One of them includes my FREE Bullying Checklist. If you feel that your child has been bullied, please use the checklist to determine if your ‘gut feelings’ are accurate.
